For those of you who know me well, this will come as no surprise. For others, it may be surprising. To both sets of people, if this is more reality then you want to read, stop reading.
I guess I'm finally talking about this because it is a HUGE struggle in my life. And frankly, I'm tired of pretending that everything is great & wonderful ALL OF THE TIME.
In the past I have pretended because it was the only thing that made me feel better. Making people smile and doing service helped me make it through the day.
A perfect example of this is, last week. My son Alex accidentally defrosted my freezer. So what did I do? I made a bunch of food & shared it with anyone willing to take the food off my hands. Why did I do this? To cope with the fact that I had no choice but to use or throw away most of the food that I had stored for my 3 month supply. I didn't even allow myself to feel sad because I have so much practice at "making lemonade" out of life's challenges.
For me, in the long run, being fake and pretending everything is great and wonderful all of the time only makes me feel worse not better. All people feel sad sometimes and pretending that we don't, is a waste of energy. We can't go around whining all of the time but we do need to vent every now and then.
Unfortunately, as a result of me tendency, to pretend, I often overstep my role. I often hurt peoples feelings in the process of just trying to be nice.
Some of you may think we all do that. Of course we do, it's only natural. However, some of you know that I do this more then most people. And, if I have done this to you, I am so sorry!
With my depression, sometimes I appear to be on top of the world. I behave like everyone is wonderful and nothing is ever bad or wrong. This tendency makes me look fake, and honestly until recently I didn't even realized that I was pretending.
It's still hard for me to admit that everything isn't perfect. I know that by learning this new the skill I will be more honest with myself and be an overall healthier person.
I wrote this post mostly for me. It feels good to accept the reality and put it in writing.
Hi Sarah-
ReplyDeletefirst, thanks so much for stopping by my blog! The funny thing is...I actually saw your blog last night for the first time, (I was looking at Taryn's, got to Molly's, then to yours...) but just as I started reading it, my girls came in and needed my attention, so I thought I'd log back on today and read it. Then...here you are! You found ME! Thank you for leaving your comment. This new post about depression was not on your blog last night, and so it was with great interest that I read it, and then your entire blog. Wow. All I can say, is that by revealing your struggles, you will probably find that there are many others who can relate with you. I'm sorry this is such a struggle...and hope you feel the support from those around you who love you so much! You have a very beautiful family. I didn't know that you had a son with Autism. I have definitely been out of touch too long, and the blog world is opening the world up. Your children are absolutely darling, and no matter how hard you may be on yourself at times...without a doubt, I can see that you are a special mom! Thank you for sharing your thoughts though, Sarah. I have always adored you...and want you to know, that you don't have to pretend with me! (look who's talking...I'm the master of putting on a happy face!!). Hang in there, ok? Thanks again for leaving the comment on my blog. It was so fun to hear from you!
I am sorry that you struggle with this and I completely empathize. I think you will find that the more you are able to share your feelings with those that can relate, you will find peace. I have found through all my trials in this life that the toughest ones are the ones that have allowed me to help and understand others better than if I had not had the experience myself. Because of that I count them as my most prized blessings. Hang in there...you are never alone! How about conference today?? Couldn't have asked for anything better!
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for being open about this. Depression seems like it's so common, and yet it also seems to affect everyone a little differently. I can relate to stuffing down emotions - though for me it's anger. I have a really, REALLY hard time allowing myself to be angry in certain situations and have been working on this for the last few months. You're right that while we don't want to get bogged down in these emotions, we have to at least let ourselves feel them before we try to move on. This was a great post. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your nice & supportive words! They all help and it's great count you all as friends!
ReplyDeleteWe all have struggles, and sharing them definitely seems to help! I do think it's actually a great talent of yours (maybe not totally a curse?) that you can make bad situations good, or that you can choose to not get upset about the freezer thing. I would've freaked out, cried, yelled, screamed, thrown the food away...and then everyone would've been depressed, and no one would've benefited from homemade food! :) I'm impressed with your ability to take things in stride. Sometimes that's all we can do when life is tough, just keep on keeping on, and making lemonade out of our lemons. :)
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I didn't even know you had a blog, so glad I finally found it. Secondly, GOOD FOR YOU for writing it down, admitting it and talking about it. I'm proud of you, 'cause I know it must be really hard. Good luck with the self-discovery and working through this. And thanks for just being you.
ReplyDeleteOh my stars!!!!! You just wrote about me....NO WONDER I ♥ YOU! I understand so much where you are coming from...you were pretty honest here and that took guts...I will tell you this...I think YOU ARE AWESOME AND YOU HAVE ALWAYS TREATED ME LIKE A FRIEND AND I SOOOOO APPRECIATE IT!!! ♥ YA
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